I have come to learn over the past 8 1/2 months that "mom guilt" is a very powerful thing.
I feel guilty about things I've done, like those times when after dinner with my girlfriends I've stayed to chat in the parking lot too long then realized that Biscuit had gotten really tired and really cranky because it's way past time for him to be snug in his own bed at home.
And I've felt guilty about things I haven't done, like I know the books and Web sites say that we should read to Biscuit a lot, but by the time I get him home from day care, spend some time playing with him, get him fed, get us fed, then get Biscuit dressed and ready for bed, he's asleep, and I realize I didn't read him a book.
Jeff always says the same thing to me, "He's fine. He eats. He sleeps. He poops. And he's happy and smiling more often than not." I know this is true, but I still always second guess myself or feel like I should be doing more. Welcome to motherhood, right?
I wrote in an earlier blog that Biscuit has learned to sit up on his own. What I didn't write was that I didn't see it happen the first time.
Biscuit and I were playing on a quilt in the living room floor, and I was thirsty. So I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. The top of my can was dirty, so I rinsed it off in the sink. I left Biscuit lying on his belly and by the time I came back, he was sitting up. I missed it.
I missed seeing him do something that, in a baby's life, is a really big deal. Pour on the mom guilt.
The thing is, with him in day care, I just assumed I'd miss a lot of stuff. I figured he'd sit up there first. He'd crawl there first. He'd walk there first. But so far, he's done everything at home.
A friend of mine at work said that his day care center asked if he and his wife wanted to know about accomplishments or not. As in, if your baby starts crawling at day care today, do you want us to tell you about it, or do you want to assume that she did it the for first time when you see her do it later at home? He told them not to tell him. But I told Biscuit's teachers that I want to know. Just because I don't see it the first time doesn't make it any less of a big deal.
Or so I thought.
Spending time with him is another dilemma. I know that I need to take some time for myself and that Jeff and I need to have time for just the two of us. And it's not for lack of babysitters that we rarely get either of those things. We've got several couples just waiting for the chance to hang out with Biscuit for an evening. But spending time away from him is a double-edged sword.
On one hand, I'm a working mom who sends her baby to day care every day. So I feel like I should spend every second I can with him when I'm not at work. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like if I don't get a few minutes by myself, I might just break down into a crumpled heap on the floor.
I took a comp day from work yesterday. It was the first day off (besides a sick day) that I have taken off since Biscuit got here when I didn't have something to do or somewhere to be. Plus, Jeff has to work over the weekend, so he was supposed to be off, too.
My mind went crazy with all the possibilities. We could take a day trip. We could take Biscuit on some sort of outing. We could drive down to Ikea or Concord Mills. We could drive to Blowing Rock just to have a picnic.
But then I realized, I can take Biscuit to day care and have a whole day to myself. Better yet, I can make Jeff take Biscuit to day care then have a whole day to myself. Jeff ended up having to work Friday after all, so I laid out my plan for him, complete with me getting Biscuit ready to go to day care and Jeff taking over from there.
It was so, so nice to crawl back into bed after my boys left the house. Unfortunatey, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I gathered up a pile of magazines I had been wanting to read. I turned the TV on in our bedroom and went back and forth between my magazines, "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and the "Gilmore Girls." It felt like such a guilty pleasure.
And then I started wondering if I was doing a selfish and bad thing by shipping my kid off to day care with total strangers just so I could sit and bed and waste time.
God bless my husband for his patience and understanding. Jeff was able to do his work from home, so he spent part of his morning reassuring me that: 1. Taking time for myself isn't selfish, it makes me a better mother because I need some time to relax and regroup. 2. The teachers at day care are not total strangers. Biscuit's morning teacher had a day off last week. She had to go by the day care to pick up something and couldn't leave without checking in on "her babies." They love him there. So I went back to my magazines and TV.
About noon, I talked to my brother on the phone for a while. He, by the way, said he doesn't understand when people talk about working from home. He said, "How am I supposed to fix a man's air conditioner if I'm at home?" He thinks he's funny.
I took a long shower about 12:30, took my time getting dressed, then went out for a nice lunch with Jeff about 1:30. We drove separate cars to the restaurant so I could leave there and go see a movie at 2:55. My movie lasted a couple of hours, so I had just enough time to run into a clothing store and look around, and after, you guessed it, money guilt, I bought myself a shirt. This left me with about 15 minutes to get to day care and pick up Biscuit.
I thoroughly enjoyed my day, but it was different from "me days" I've had in the past. For one, even though the day was all mine, there was no sleeping late. I was still up at 6:30 a.m., even though I didn't set an alarm. Who needs an alarm when you have a Biscuit?!?
I also had to be constantly aware of the time. You can't really fly by the seat of your pants when you have to be at day care by 6 p.m. to pick up your baby or they'll start charging you $1 a minute for being late.
I also couldn't be too frivolous with money. Day care, diapers and baby food are expensive. Plus, Jeff had hotel expenses for the car show in Carlisle, Pa., from a couple of weeks ago. We spent this past weekend in a hotel in Chimney Rock with my family. And two weeks ago, we had to buy a new refrigerator.
So I guess I've said all of this to say that I think you're darned if you do and darned if you don't.
If you take Curtain No. 1, you realize that if you spend all your time and money on this newest addition to your family, you're not going to have time and money you need for yourself. And if you take Curtain No. 2, you realize that if you don't spend all your time and money on this newest addition to your family, you're going to miss some big moments and feel guilty.
But I've been thinking about how much I enjoyed the movie yesterday. And it was so nice to have a casual lunch at a restaurant with Jeff where we didn't have to rush to get back to work. And I'm wondering which pants I should wear with my new shirt next week at work.
So Monty, I think I'll learn to deal with a little guilt and take Curtain No. 2.
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