Talking with the teacher

We had a parent-teacher conference with Biscuit's teacher this morning.

I still find it odd to have parent-teacher conferences for kids who aren't even in school yet. And apparently, some other parents feel that way even more than I do because they don't even show up.

The teacher Biscuit had when he started this day care had to leave the school for personal reasons. So the "floating" teacher, at least for right now, is Biscuit's classroom teacher. Because he hasn't been Biscuit's teacher that long, it was hard for him to offer a lot of detail. But he didn't tell us anything that surprised or shocked us anyway.

He said Biscuit is one of the brightest kids they have there, which was very nice to hear. But I almost giggled at how he told us.

"Academically, he's well above where he should be at this age," his teacher said.

Academically? He's 4. How academic can he be?!

The teacher told us all the things they've been working on in class, and how Biscuit is doing with each thing. He said Biscuit has adapted well socially. He plays with a lot of different kids instead of latching on to just one or two.

And then he worked his way around to his area of concern. And this is when he became really awkward.

We haven't spent a lot of time with this teacher, so he doesn't really know mine or Jeff's temperament or personalities. And I can imagine that if some parents felt like he was criticizing their kids, they could get nasty. So for the second time, I had a hard time not giggling.

"He ... um, well ... he ... sometimes he can be a little sensitive or fragile," the teacher said.

"You mean he's a bad sport, hates to be wrong and cries when you fuss at him?" I said, smiling at the teacher.

He realized I wasn't going to bite his head off, and I saw him visibly relax.

The bad sport thing and the hating to be wrong thing are typical for kids his age. And he's not like that every time. Sometimes when we play games, he shrugs off losing and says, "Oh well. Maybe I'll win next time." Then the very next game, he can realize he's losing and want to quit before the game is over.

I do worry, though, about how sensitive he can be sometimes.

One night recently, I told Biscuit to pick up his toys. And he didn't do it. So I said it again, a little bit louder. And he still didn't do it. I was distracted and wasn't really paying that much attention.

Finally, I turned around and realized that he hadn't done what I told him to do ... TWICE. So I raised my voice and told him that was the last time I was going to tell him.

He finally picked up his toys, teary-eyed the whole time. He walked over to me when he was done and said, "Mom, are you still mad?"

"Yes," I said. "I am still mad. It frustrates me when I have to tell you to do something more than once."

"Do you still love me, Mom?" Biscuit asked.

That makes me want to shake him and say, "No. I stopped loving you because you didn't put away your firetruck."

I don't want him to think he can just say he's sorry and cry a little and that makes everything better. But at the same time, I don't want him to think that just because I'm mad at him, I don't love him anymore.

I think it would be easier if Biscuit were playing me. I could call him on it and let him know that Mama don't play that. But the child is genuinely concerned about being in trouble. He really does worry about disappointing Jeff and me and his teachers.

Biscuit also struggles with other kids being mean to him. Kids are just mean little snots in general, and when one of them says something mean to him or calls him a name or makes fun of him, he gets really upset. 

We've been trying to say to him, "If John calls you a donkey, does that mean you're a donkey?" And he'll shake his head no. "Then it doesn't matter what John thinks. You KNOW that you're not a donkey. Tell John it's not nice to call names, then go play with somebody else."

It's all growing up stuff, and as a former sensitive kid, I get it. My goal, of course, is to help Biscuit become his own person and not to put a lot of stock into what other people think of him. Sadly, I still struggle with that as an adult, so anything I can do to help Biscuit with it now, I'll do.

Some people have suggested we try to get Biscuit into kindergarten early, but this stuff is the main reason we won't do that. A kid has to be emotionally ready as well as "academically" ready. And Biscuit will get there in his own time.