Love grows

We had a staff meeting at work yesterday, and I found out that a co-worker I really like is pregnant. She's wanted a baby for a long time, and I'm really happy that it's finally happening for her. Since it took us a while to have Biscuit, I can definitely understand how frustrating it is to know what you want and not be able to get it.

I had seen this co-worker in the hallway a couple of times and noticed that she had gained some weight and was wearing loose-fitting clothes. But hey, a lot of us have been there, so my first assumption was not pregnancy.

But a woman in our HR department leaned over at the meeting and asked her if she had found out the sex of the baby. She's having a boy.

So after the meeting, I headed over to talk to the mother-to-be. I told her how excited I was for her and her husband. And then we went off on so many baby tangents, I can't even remember them all.

One thing I did tell her is that right after I found out I was pregnant, I could just imagine the pretty little girl I was going to have. I thought about dressing her and brushing her hair. I thought about all the mother-daughter things we could do together.

And then I had the first dream.

I dreamed that I was talking to a guy I went to high school with. He was a tall guy with dark hair. Then the next night, I dreamed I was driving in a car with a different guy with dark hair. Almost every night for two months, I dreamed about dark-haired boys and men. And I knew that the daughter I wanted was actually a son.

I was a little worried because I just couldn't imagine having a son. Now, of course, I can't imagine NOT having a boy.

One other thing my co-worker and I talked about was the early days of being a parent. 

Every expectant parent knows that you'll be sleep-deprived and that the learning curve of caring for a child is huge. But one thing I didn't expect was how I felt about Biscuit during the first weeks.

After everything we went through to have Biscuit, I had a hard time being happy after he was born. I expected to just fall head over heels in love with him at first sight. 

But I didn't.

He slept ALL THE TIME. And my hormones were crazy. And I was sad a lot. And even when he was awake, he didn't really do anything. He just laid there not doing anything -- well, except crying, eating, pooping and sleeping.

Don't get me wrong. I loved Biscuit from Day 1. I would've done anything to protect him. But it was that motherly instinct love, not the kind of love I thought I would feel.

But as the weeks went by, I started to see little sparks of who Biscuit would become. He started to hold eye contact with me. He started putting his hands on my face like he was trying to figure me out. Then he started to smile and laugh.

Next thing you know, he's walking and talking and coming up to me, grabbing my face and saying, "I love you, Mom."

Now, I can't imagine my life without Biscuit. And I can't believe Biscuit has been around for 4 years already.

So I told my friend that every mom has different feelings about her newborn, and that she shouldn't feel bad or worried if her feelings weren't what she expected. Then I said to her, "Having the baby is hard on your body. Getting through the first weeks is hard on your brain. But once you find the rhythm of it, you are going to have SO much fun."